Secret Society: Top 5 Things You Don’t Want To Be Caught Doing In Public

Words by Tony Grands

5. Adjusting Your Junk
Adjusting your junk in public does 2 things. 1) It gives the impression that your netherregion is unclean, because no matter how you cut it, an “adjust” looks like a scratch, & 2) makes it looks like your touching yourself. Technically you are, but you know what I mean. My advice: wear bigger drawers or become good at the pocket shift (which is like playing pocket pool without the blissful happiness).

4. Digging For Gold
There’s never a reason to have your fingers in your asscrack outdoors. Especially if you’re a woman, because woman are held to a higher standard, even the ones who don’t deserve to be. I understand that there are moments when one must retrieve their underwear from in betwixt their cheeks or needs to nullify an annoying itch, but those moments can be avoided by — again — wearing bigger undies or thoroughly washing your ass. Wiping better helps, too, so keeping some moist towelettes may be ideal.

3. Counting Pennies
Pennies are money, no different than dollars or other coins. However, counting pennies makes you look like a miser. A skinflint. A cheapskate. Exact change is wonderful, but if you don’t have it, it’s not the end of the world. However, if pennies are all that you have in your pocket, disregard this message. In fact, get off of the free library internet & go out & find a job immediately. Once you procure employment, come back & re-read. Hopefully that helped you.

2. Tickling Your Brain
Sticking your finger in your nose is a social stigma as well as a human tradition. Everybody has a moment of the day when they let their guard down & shove one, if not two fingers up their nostrils to retrieve dry bits of mucus & skull debris. Use a napkin or a handkerchief & stealthy hand motions or simply wait until you get home. You can avoid the stares & pointing & stress of being looked down upon as an outcast.

1. Staring Lustfully
Being a pervert is human nature, for men and women. It’s impossible to go out into the world & not see a piece of meat you want to bag & tag. But there’s a certain etiquette that must happen, a sort of skill to it. If you can’t control your lusty gazes, invest in some sunglasses or master your peripherals. That way people won’t be on edge as you stare into their breast crevices or gander at some guy’s basketball shorts while he’s in line waiting to buy a double cheeseburger.

Words by Tony Grands

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