“Untouchable…”

“I know everybody is gonna take this wrong: ‘We Are the World,’ I love it, and I understand the point and think it’s great. But I think ‘We Are the World’ is like ‘Thriller’ to me. I don’t ever wanna see it touched…I know the plight and everything that’s going on in Haiti…So I appreciate the efforts and everything, but ‘We are the World’ is untouchable like ‘Thriller’ is untouchable. Some things are just untouchable. It was a valiant effort, but for me, it’s gonna be untouchable.” Jay-Z via MTV news

Clearly, Jiggs thinks the song is untoucable.

Normally, I’m too busy looking for satanic verses from Shawn Carter to get caught up in the rapture of his hyperbole & witticism. I may not understand why he’d sport Aleister Crowley sayings across his chest, or agree on his family values but for lack of a better pun, right now I’m, uhh, off that. I’ll agree that the ‘We Are The World’ redo was a bit puzzling. If I didn’t know better, I’d think that Quincy Jones’ senility got the best of him, & he thinks he’s putting the finishing touches on the original. Especially with a ghost in the machine. In all fairness, Haiti needs our help, & will for quite some time. But, with America being the home of copious amounts of talent (read: BIG ASS EGOS), seems we could’ve done better than to rehash a masterpiece. Sloppy seconds, so to speak.

1) Good Intentions.
-I’m a lover of Hip Hop, just as much as the next guy. Unless the next guy is Bill Mahr. Even still, there are some places rap music has no business being in. Like porn. Or church. This song is no exception. All the rappers involved should’ve/could’ve done a rap tribute, hell, an entire album for that matter. Those misguided niggas record diss songs back & forth within hours of each other. Word? Y’all couldn’t crank out a few “hot 16’s” for Haiti? Even a ‘We Are…’ rap version may have faired as well as any hodge podge mix-n-match of scratch-n-sniff artists. & let us not forget, that would’ve been another record to sell, thus more money to send to Haiti. Surely if these professional dancers can get it in, in Ohio, y’all dudes can leave the stoops of your million dollar studios for a good cause.

2). Classic Material.
-Jay-Z said it perfectly. “Untouchable.” Imagine if some douche nozzle re-did the Statue of Liberty. Right next to the OG version. Except, it has different color paint, smaller proportions, & now, she’s donning a winking eye, & a toothpick in her mouth. Everytime you looked up at the original, you’d look back at the second issue, with a little disdain, until it grew into disgust. Watch both videos back to back. Then wipe the disdain from your chin. Even though pairing Jay & Bono felt unnatural, like bacon bits on an ice cream sundae, at least they offered up new material. God forbid Jay-Z recycles anything musically. Cough, cough.

3). The Injury’s Insult.
-I get the basic gist of doing the song. & God bless Nicole Richie’s step dad & QDIII’s pops for stepping up & reminding the world that America cares about it’s fellow man. But, did the video really need a dead man in it? Look, I’m all for memorializing, but hasn’t Haiti had enough death, without a digitized, virtual corpse creeping everybody out? Maybe it’s just me, but when my grandfather died, the last thing I wanted was for his image to show up on home video singing ‘Happy Birthday’ to me, next to my uncle. Just saying.

I respect the fact that Jay didn’t wanna piss in the corn flakes of yesteryear. But damn, I would’ve at least been in the video, handing out water bottles or something. Imagine how many more albums Kanye West could’ve sold if he had just showed up to that telethon. White people don’t even like him. But they love some Jay-Z.
Well. Maybe a little less, now.

Skinny Jeans, Strippers & Joe Budden

Admittedly, I don’t listen to rap music as much as I used to. Between my wife, my son, internet porn, & Lakers games (in that order), time is a commodity I don’t toss around all willy-nilly. When I do, however, I take notice of the small nuances that most people would probably ignore.

Like no real feminine presence in Hip Hop.

Let’s keep it real, no amount of hoopla is gonna make me want to hear MC Lyte or Queen Latifah rapping again these days. I’m not big on carpet munch rap. No shots. Lil Kim is now officially Hip Hop’s Jocelyn Wildenstein, Foxy Brown is getting her best SuperHead impersonation on, & Lauryn Hill is well, Lauryn Hill. I could get into a laundry list of lady rappers that left a mark on the culture, but that’s not why we’re here. We’re here to talk about why there’s no female presence in rap. Hip Hop has turned into a boy’s only club, & if weren’t for the occassional video hoe bouncing her funbags for quarters on the dollar or throwing gelatin-like ass cheeks at the fish-eyed camera lens, I’d put all my chips on rap being a testicle festival. A sausage factory. A swashbuckling sword fight with no clear victor in sight.

Anyway…

Maybe if there were more lady rappers to wear latex denim & shiny jewelry, the dudes could get back to fatigues. Dude, I can’t tell you the last time I saw a rap cat hardbody some camo. [||]. Not the pretty boy, Old Navy, fashion model joints either. I’m talking “my uncle almost died in ‘Nam, but yo, he gave me these shits.” The type that you can only rock with Timbs. One has to wonder how much closer niggas are to sporting boy-shorts when we see this becoming the “in” thing. Far be it from me to pass judgement on a man willing to risk a yeast infection to make a statement, but unless that statement is “A man can have a camel toe, too!”, I just don’t get it.

& it’s not that females can’t rap. Just the opposite; they can wrap their…nah, I’m fucking around. We know that girls can flow, aside from menstrual, but since the revamp of the “Keep It (T)real” campaign, where would they really fit in? Too tough-sounding, & they’d be butch. Most men do harbor secret fantasies about lesbians, just not the kind that might be able to kick their ass & steal their baby moms. The only thing worse than an outrageous gay guy, is a hardcore gay chick, really though. Most of them are just mad at my 5 o’clock shadow & ability to pee standing up, regardless. &, if said female rapper is too frilly, then she doesn’t get taken seriously. Those who find a healthy medium between the two, eventually end up popping bottles, or popping caps. What’s a girl to do?

In the end, we’re left with the Trina’s & Nicki Minaj’s. If only Jean Grae would get some shine, but I guess that’s asking too much of an industry that revolves around caricatures & stereotypes. I’ll give Lil Wayne credit, for taking the Hip Hop crew back to the 90’s, by having a girl rapper in his clique. But, does she rap, or strip? I speak for plenty of dudes when I say it’s hard to take you serious, standing behind those things. Not that we’re complaining, just saying. For all the burlesque shows we get, free of charge, I’ve yet to hear Nicki say anything of interest. Again, especially not standing behind those things.

I guess until the day of equal opportunity ability becomes the norm, we can look forward to the sensitive episodes of our Hip Hop soap opera. Dudes catfighting, sneak-dissing, & pulling guns via YouTube & WSHH, then making up for the sake of making dough. I’ve always heard my older aunt’s & cousin’s say that men are more sensitive than women, but I didn’t believe it until I heard Rick Ross say 50 Cent didn’t speak back to him at an award show, so nows there’s beef. If I had a nickel for every time a man ignored my greeting, I’d be typing from my own, personal space station.

There’s a million & one stories of rapsters getting their panties in a bunch behind misunderstandings, but as long as they continue to do so, Joe Budden will always have a career in viral embarrassment. & female rappers will be relegated to the background.