Words by Wes G.
There is a delicate balance to a romantic relationship where one person is an avid sports fan and the other has a sports IQ of 7.
Category Archives: man stuff
“Real Motherf*ckin’ Talk With Tony Grands”
Today begins a joint venture between trendy sports website BadCulture.net and yours truly. I’ll be contributing monthly to BC for a column called Real MF Talk With Tony Grands.
Quickies: 5 Reasons Men Hate Shopping With Women
3
I overheard a conversation between a couple of women the other day. It sounded like the problem was one of the ladies couldn’t understand why her husband never wanted to go shopping with her. She stated that he had no qualms dispensing his hardhustled dollars to her to buy whatever her tattooed heart desired, but he would never go. After moments of ramble, it became clear that the issue wasn’t with him staying home, but with her self-esteem. Until she fixes that, her marital problems will continue to magnify her personal ones. Him not wanting to go shopping had nothing to do with any of this.
Had I the gumption to stick my mixing spoon in her proverbial Kool-Aid, I would have given her 5 reasons why he hates going shopping with her. And any woman for that matter. On second thought, I probably should have said something. People have committed suicide for much less.
Pray for that woman.
When you’re done praying, check out these 5 reasons men hate shopping with women.
5. Because women get a general idea of something they want or need, leisurely head to a mall, swapmeet, or shopping center, and casually browse, sometimes for hours, until they find exactly what they are hunting for. This process can take days depending on the item, mostly because women apparently hate itemized lists. Men, however, get up off of the couch, go to specific store, ask a cashier where the item is located, grab it or something that’ll work good enough for now, and go back home. 47 minute trip, including travel time and possibly stopping for gas.
4. Because no matter how old we are, no matter how much money we make at work, no matter how many crumbsnatching whippersnappers we’ve sired; if a man goes shopping with a woman, at some point we will be holding her purse. We know this. There is a chill in the air causing goosebumps to instinctively raise from our forearms right before she tells us to hold it. I can speak for all men when I say that it’s virtually impossible to look and feel any type of masculine way about yourself with an oversized hobo bag slung across your sharp-angled shoulder. No thanks. I’d rather stay home and watch football. We all would.
3. Because ex-girlfriends only leave the house when you and your girl leave the house and no man wants to see his ex while he’s out with his current. Especially if he’s a loser, who only attracts other losers, because everyone knows when a woman breaks free from her loser lover her life immediately improves vastly. Meanwhile, he — of course — is still a loser. We He doesn’t want to see that if only for the reality that it may remind him how lame his life has become without her.
Or he could just owe her money and not want to be harassed, same difference.
2. Because women try on clothes, a scenario that can swiftly escalate and spiral out of control. The search for a pair of pants and matching top can quickly become racks worth of sampled outfits until “the perfect one” is located. While this may be a thrilling experience for the woman, the man is left to stew, motionless and vulnerable, waiting for the madness to end. See, men have 2 or 3 colors they like and usually buy all their clothes from the same place. This eliminates 68% of any unnecessary bullshit. And much like dating a Black man, once you’ve made the adaptions to living life like that, it’s hard to return to your old ways.
1. Because there will be an argument, no matter what. It doesn’t matter who is at fault nor does it matter who will be victorious. Men, most of us, try to live drama free. One surefire way to invite unwanted drama into your life is to go somewhere with a woman where she’ll undoubtedly ask for your opinion. 2 choices at that point. Lie and live happily ever after or keep it real. Men would rather avoid all this by staying home. Ladies, with all due respect, if you drag us away from cable TV and make us shop and the evening ends in a verbal altercation, it’s your fault for making us go in the first place.
The Checklist: 12 Things Every Man Should Have At All Times
Manhood can be tough. Especially for men who don’t/didn’t have anyone to show them how to do it. It’s actually quite simple. You’re here to move heavy objects, fight off animals, insects, and savages, make babies, pay bills, and evetually, feed the worms via your decomposing corpse after your company has worked you to death.
Boys, enjoy being boys, because as men, the world is trying to kill you.
In the meantime, per usual, TGDC is here to help make manhood a little bit easier on you, with this checklist of things every man should have on him at all times. You may want to print this for future reference, and even pass them out amongst your crew of deviant scoundrels.
Good luck out there.
□ Condoms
Because — let’s be honest — the last thing society needs is another unwanted kid.
□ A Weapon
Because shit gets real, real quick. I’m not advocating violence, but I’m definitely a proponent of self defense. Plus, zombies.
□ Drug of Choice In His System
Because reality bites. Hard. Might as well bite back, in a responsible manner, of course. No drinking and driving, no smoking crack before a parent-teacher conference, etc.
□ A Willing Ex-Girlfriend
Because your mom won’t always be available to wipe your ass for you.
□ Spare Change
Because you never know when you’ll need to make a call from a pay phone or buy 2 cigarettes.
□ An Escape Route
Because shit happens, and you don’t want to be the guy who dies in a mall fire.
□ A Testimony
Because a man without a story to tell is a boy…
□ An Excuse
Because every failure needs a reason, otherwise how can people judge you?
□ Change For The Bus
Because if you get kicked out of the car, walking may ruin your shoes, and if your phone battery is dead, how the hell are you going to call an Uber?
□ An Ink Pen
Because after pulling out your phone, unlocking it, finding the correct app, and typing, you probably forgot what you could’ve just as easily written in your hand.
□ Phone Charger
Because battery life isn’t promised.
□ Can/Bottle Opener
Because you never know when you’ll need to guzzle a brew or open a can of beans.
Manhood Mondays: 5 Slightly Scientific Yet Non-Creepy Theories Why Men Love Breasts So Much
1
I think I speak for at least 60% of men worldwide when I say I utterly, transparently love boobs. Have so since I was a wee lad. As far back as I can remember I have the fondest memories of glorious mammories. Boob worship is nothing new, but seems to be at an all time high lately, fueling a noticeable influx of breast augmentation nationwide…as if the substitute us any match for the real thing. No way, hose A. I like my BBWs big and natural, but that’s neither here nor there.
As a lover of science, I also believe there is more to man’s attraction to breasts than just overzealous thirst and I have a few theories. And none of them are creepy.
We were breastfeed and don’t know it.
This makes sense on a couple of different levels. And it explains the natural urge to want to cuddle up to them when they’re close. Perhaps our relationship with breasts is based more on survival and instinct than desire and lust. You ever see a hungry baby when he smells his food near? Men have the same primal response, we just learn how to tame it before adulthood. Most of us. Fellas, the next time your lady catches you peeking down a cleavage ravine that doesn’t belong to her, don’t hesitate to blame your ancestors and evolution.
They really do make great pillows.
A nice, plump set of boobs is like heaven to the heavy head of modern man. With so many worries and constant stressors live streaming their way into our daily routines, lady-lumps are physically and symbolically the anti-masculine comfort we need to recharge our foreboding fuel cells to fight the good fight the following day. That was a mouthful. (They should be, too…)
Men like big shit. Guns, rims, titties.
For better or worse, men love huge things. You see it in movies, on TV, in real life, on porn, everywhere. Having the biggest is regarded as social status, and in terms of a woman’s breasts being used for showmanship, it’s really not meant objectify the woman by any means. And it’s probably mere coincidence that the first thing a rich man buys for his current lover is big set of shiny new boobs. I’m sure he’d buy her a gun instead if she asked. Go outside and look out the window and you’ll see exactly what I mean when I say men like big shit. Titties are no different. In fact, titties would probably be number 1. If they’re number 2, guns are number one. Even when they sag a little, that just accentuates the awesomeness.
Dude.
They exude authority.
Certain things demand the respect of the general public. If you see a man walking with a ferocious dog, you stare, then you get the fuck out of his way. Big boobs require the same amount of attention and energy, and they exude the same aura of authority as that ferocious dog. Think about the last time you saw a huge set of knockers directly in front of you: you stared, and then you got the fuck out of the way. Even Mary Poppins had a decent pair. Because she was running shit. Or so it seemed.
Titty-slaps are the best thing ever.
With all due respect, you haven’t experienced manhood in its unmitigated entirety until a woman has straddled you in a manner that her breasts repeatedly slap you in the face during intercourse. I’ve heard old ladies say that this position is a surefire method to get a woman pregnant, so approach with caution.
Now go, set forth on your own mission to find your own pair of soft, big, authoritative jugs to slap you in the face during sex. If you pay any bills, you deserve it..
Words by Tony Grands
@Tony_Grands
Questions, Comments, Concerns, or Contributions? Hit us up.
tgdcmailbox@gmail.com
tonygrands.com 