The Adventures of Lil Wayne

“This is Lil Wayne going to jail. Nobody I can talk to can tell me what that’s like, I just say I’m looking forward to it.”-Lil Wayne

Rappers, regardless of skill level, have 2 sure fire ways of promotion that have yet to be challenged. Go to jail, or get killed. Tupac was a decent rapper but when he started having run-ins with the law, ultimately going to jail for a crime he may or may not having committed (trial was pending when he was murdered), his stock skyrocketed. Somehow, I doubt Suge Knight would have been concerned with the former Art school student had he not banked such a hard left in life. Yet & still, as popular as he’d become on Death Row Records, the best career move he could’ve made was going to the Mike Tyson fight, in Las Vegas. Dude became bigger than life. Literally. Too bad he’s not around to see it (???).

As far as Dwayne Carter d/b/a Lil Wayne, he may be setting himself up for the next level of his cult-like status. The self-proclaimed “best rapper alive” is headed to being the “King of Rap“. Unlike TI, who for the most part maintained the image of a good dude, even after being arrested for a few guns, Wayne has already proved he really is a martian by laying his seed in a multitude of host carriers, which officially seperates him from all these humans blabbering about earthly possessions. He “successfully” Michael Jordan’d the music game, with ‘Rebirth’, & to make his uban legend complete, a soon-to-be paid vacation, courtesy of the state of New York.

That gives Nicki Minaj & Drake about 8 months to make enough noise to actually be considered legitimate artists one day. No shots, but I have no idea who else is signed to Young Money records. Although, Tyga had that one song, but I think I’m the only person who ever heard it. Drake, being the level headed cannuck that he is, has already taken his destiny into his own hands. He’s organized a tour, with fellow Canadian rapster K-OS, that not only will he be headlining (without so much as a new song or actual album being released), but it also boasts an eco-friendly tour bus, or some shit. I figured Drake would be well into his second release by this time, but no dice. That says a lot about the music industry when being half-Jewish can’t help you. Nicki Minaj, on the other hand, has a potty mouth equaled only by a young Kim Jones, yet, she’s on Twitter begging for the return of a stuffed monkey named Oscar Apparently she has drugs, or a very powerful dildo inside of it, because she’s offering $50,000 reward. Yeah, fifty grand. Adult women with stuffed animals are already a red flag, but this solidifies her “crazy bitch” status. Either way, their boss is headed to Riker’s Island. & really though, fuck that place.

Not only do my Tony-senses tell me this won’t be the last of Wayne’s nigganometry, but it will only increase his value. Even his sentencing has a buzz, being pushed back due to oral surgery (read: if the dentist doesn’t take out all those expensive-ass teeth, his cellie will). He’ll be in & out before we know it, & back on his grind of music, drugs & unprotected sex.

Wait, I just remembered he still has some business to tend to in the last state to recognize MLK’s birthday as a holiday. Good luck with that, Weezianimal. If any rapper can take the “most niggerish” title away from DMX, it’s Dwayne Carter. & it’s only February.